34......

[respoftw]

So, I turned 34 yesterday and I know that I'm not old, I know that mid 30s is nothing to worry over but goddamnit it was a lot harder than 33.

When I think that my Mum had a 13 year old and a 6 year old at this age or when I look at all my friends who have kids or are married....I dunno. I think the reason that I'm struggling is that I think I should want all that too?

But I don't. I'm happy in my life. I have a wonderful partner who I love completely, a job that both pays well and is enjoyable. Yeah, my house is a little small and cluttered but it's 100% mine, no mortgage, no debt. I may be a little lonely sometimes but that's what fandom is for (at least for me).

I'm getting hung up on what others expect my life to be like (or what seventeen year old me thought thirty-four would look like) and that's not something I should be doing.

Why do birthdays always make me maudlin??

Comments

[otherearths_outthere]

I know that you know this, but I want to encourage you to remember: it is your life to live the way you want to and damn all the expectations of others and your own (in low moments of self doubt) Of course you are not living exactly how you expected to, nobody does, but you sound happy and seem to be doing really well (no mortgage!!) we always wonder what might have been and if we are doing enough. It's ok. I'm a good 20 years older than you and did what was expected. I got married and had kids. But I think that I am asexual. I can't quite wrap my brain around being ace and having married, but I didn't know about gay people when I was 18, let alone ace. And while I loved being a mom, seriously loved the active parenting years so much I miss it every day. I am really ambivalent about being a wife. It's very confusing. We are good friends, but not really romantic with each other. His career always, always came first. Anyway, even with people you expect are living the "proper" life, it may not be that way at all. If you are fulfilled and these maudlin moments aren't to often, you're lucky and ahead of the game.

[respoftw]

I do know that; that's what makes all my weird wondering so infuriating, lol!

I'm pretty sure I fall somewhere on the ace spectrum myself but I still have a very loving relationship with someone who is also my best friend. I don't think that being ace and being married is necessarily a strange thing, there's so much more to a relationship than sex. It's maybe just needing to see what being a wife means to you rather than what it means in general society. I can see me and George getting married someday, the only thing that stops us is that we're both introverts and hate the idea of anything other than nipping down to the registry office and doing it. Our families, his Mum in particular,would be so disappointed in that though :(

If I'm with someone I still consider a good friend in twenty years I'll consider myself lucky!